MFC

Today KFC announced that it would be extending selling its deep-fried meatfest, the Double Down, “for as long as customer demand remains high.” They expect to sell their 10 millionth breadless sandwich by the end of the month. I actually have no opinion about this; I am neither disgusted nor am I more curious about trying one.

It’s really not that surprising that something that combines cheese, bacon, mayonnaise and breaded goodness into one handy package would become a success. It’s basically a fistful of comfort food. I thought I’d try my own version without resorting to an obvious (and admittedly tasty) crutch as bacon. My version takes a much more subtle tack by substituting a thick slab of macaroni and cheese.

In prep, I made a pan of the custard-based mac and cheese I blogged about before. One advantage of this style versus the béchamel style is that it holds its shape when jammed in between two pieces of fried chicken.

I used the hand blender to make some mayonnaise (egg yolk, vinegar, salt, pepper, mustard powder – pour in canola oil while blending until it looks like Hellman’s) and then blended in some red pepper topping and a few dashes of chipotle powder. It’s really, really tasty.
Possibly the best part of the sandwich

Lastly, I pounded some (free-range organic) chicken thighs until they were flattish in between plastic wrap. I prefer thighs because they are more flavorful and juicy.
Poultry abuse therapy

Come fry time, I seasoned the thighs first with my version of 11 (more like 6) herbs and spices and then dipped them in buttermilk before dredging them in lightly salted flour and baking powder (1 tsp/cup of flour).

Then I just fried them in an inch of peanut oil, turning them a couple of times until they looked like…well, like something from KFC. Then I drained them and sprinkled on a bit of extra seasoning.
What isn't good deep-fried?

Assembly is pretty obvious. I suppose I could have added a couple slices of bacon and cheese, but I felt that would have pushed my “sandwich” from somewhat outrageous to wanton gluttony. Instead I added a side of collard greens to give the illusion of a balanced meal and to add some Southern cred.
Not easy to eat in the car.  Oh well.

So how’d I do? What would you like to see sandwiched between two breasts? I have some ideas, myself. It’s impossible to write about the Double Down without resorting to such obvious jokes so I will not apologize.  But seriously, if there's anything you want me to make, deep-fried or not, lemme know.

It Is Your Fault

A fellow culinary adventurer, Dan, and I frequently head to the San Gabriel Valley for Chinese food. But it’s almost impossible to have an entire meal without encountering cilantro, which Dan cannot tolerate in any capacity. Even when we ask for its omission in dishes, about half of the time, it manages to appear on our plates. Dan cannot even stand to have cilantro-laced dishes near him at the table, his revulsion is so great. I understand. As a child, I thought that cilantro was the plant from where Ajax cleanser was derived. It wasn’t until I was an adult that I began to appreciate its herbaceous glory.

I suspect this has been Photoshopped
Yesterday, Harold McGee explored the biochemical explanations of why people hate Coriandrum sativum to the level that has inspired websites like bancilantro.com and Facebook groups like “I Hate Cilantro.”

Dan believes his intolerance is due to a genetic predisposition, which seems to fit with most people’s love-it-or-hate-it attitude towards cilantro, but McGee says that there isn’t a wealth of data yet that support this claim. He goes on to explain how the herb's soapy aroma could trigger a brain response that perceives it as a threat. “We react strongly and throw the offending ingredient on the floor where it belongs.”

Researcher Jay Gottfried on a cilantro high
He cites the work of Jay Gottfried, a Northwestern University smell-ologist and ex-cilantro hater. Through frequent exposure with good food, he found, “I began to like cilantro. It can still remind me of soap, but it’s not threatening anymore…”
Get excited, Dan!
So, despite the article’s headline, it is your fault, Dan. You need to expose yourself to more and more cilantro until you love it. Jeffrey Steingarten did that with all the foods he disliked to become a food writer. Initially, I couldn’t stand beer, but after repeated and multiple exposures, I developed a grudging tolerance for the sudsy stuff. To this day, I regularly ingest pints of ale and lager, stout and pilsner, hoping to my tolerance will evolve into love. So, Dan: if I continue to work on my beer issues, will you work on your cilantro issues?

U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

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Everybody’s been talking about the new KFC Double Down, the sandwich that epitomizes American deep-fried decadence. In lieu of bread, the sandwich uses two pieces of battered or grilled chicken breasts to hold together two slices of bacon, two slices of cheese and a mayonnaise-based sauce. Stephen Colbert called the concoction, “The warped creation of a syphilitic brain,” but then one bite later said, “Call me crazy but this is good.” It’s been getting huge press and I’m sure sales among carnivorous stoners have been brisk but how obscene is it really?

Fast food tester: my dream job
Consumer Reports said it was salty and with 1380 mg of sodium (half of your recommended daily intake), it is. But surprisingly – for the fast food world – it’s not off-the-charts fattening. It has the same number of calories as a Big Mac (540) and about the same amount of fat (32 grams vs. the Big Mac’s 29).
Leftover prop from a David Cronenberg film 
There’s a worse culprit I learned of thanks to snippets.com. The Claim Jumper franchise, whose 45 restaurants are scattered throughout the West Coast and some of the Midwest, offers Beef Back Ribs on their menu that pack in a stunning 4,301 calories and 7,623 mg of sodium. That’s without sides.
In-N-Out's chef d'oeuvre - 4x4 animal style (a mere 1,050 calories)
Even on the road trip where I ate an In-N-Out 4x4 and a Double Double (essentially 6 patties, 6 slices of cheese), I didn’t reach half the caloric value of those ribs. They must be awesome! (Yelp members have informed me that, in fact, they range from “good” and “better than average” to “underdone” and “dry…been on the desert floor for years”)
This is more fattening than the 4x4
But there are other items on the Claim Jumper menu if ribs aren’t your jam. There are 19 items that contain over 2,000 calories and 57 that have over 1,000. Feeling peckish? Just have the blue cheese wedge salad and the seared ahi appetizer. That’s 1,114 calories in the salad plus 562 for the app. The tuna has more calories than a KFC Double Down.
This + 400 calories = Claim Jumper appetizer
So the question is, would I go to the Claim Jumper? Would I have a Double Down? Nah. For me, there is no novelty in eating thousands of calories in one sitting. I do plenty of that at home.

Kitchen Tools

Daniel Patterson puts his "tools" to work (with the help of an actual tool)

A few months ago I was listening to The Splendid Table, hosted by my new culinary nemesis, Lynn Rosetto Capser. Actually, the show is perfectly pleasant as is she, in a schweddy balls kind of way and they have some great guests. This episode was no exception as they had Daniel Patterson, whose Coi restaurant earned two Michelin stars. The show was fine until he was asked about his favorite kitchen tool. I listened eagerly while clutching my stack of Bed Bath & Beyond coupons. Would it be an ergonomic melon baller? Maybe a microplane ginger grater? A Kevlar butchering glove? Something Silpat? Nay. His answer? “My hands.” That’s like Usain Bolt explaining that the secret to his speed is, “My feet.” I would get this kitchen tool if the motor were faster

My least favorite kitchen tool? Daniel Patterson. What a bunch of hippie bullshit. If there is a device out there that saves time, money and improves technique, I wanna know about it. I already got hands, Chef Patterson. Thanks for nothing. Bill Buford demonstrates the suplex

It reminds me of that book, Heat, in which Bill Buford basically tries to get in a pissing match with Mario Batali as he learns more and more obscure Italian culinary skills. At one point, he wants to master pasta making to get that unique “wood on wood” texture that he insists can only be found in handmade pasta rolled by old Italian women. He eventually seeks out Miriam Leonardi, a culinary legend whose pasta he describes as, “life changing,” to coax her to reveal her centuries-old hand rolling technique. She says, “What in the world are you talking about?... No one does that sort of thing anymore. They’re too busy. Modern life. I use a machine.” My machine in action

The pasta machine fits perfectly into my personal criteria of a kitchen tool. It saves me the hundreds of hours I would have to spend learning the dead art of rolling pasta by hand. And it makes a uniform product every time. I got mine at Ross Dress for Less for less than $50 and didn’t use it for a year because it was so intimidating. But now I use it all the time. It’s a snap. Braun, despite rumors, was not involved in World War II

To test this “snappiness,” I made some ravioli. I pulverized some dried porcini mushrooms in my 400 watt Braun Impressions Multiquick Handblender using the handy-dandy blender attachment. Did I mention that its motor has a whopping 400 watts? Seriously, if you don’t have one, get one. The result of three seconds of 400 watt pulsing

Then I pulsed some crimini and fresh shitake mushrooms in the same blender and mixed my mycological mélange with some ricotta and parmesan cheeses along with salt, pepper and a scraping of nutmeg (using my box grater – awesome kitchen tool #3, bitches!).

I put that aside and cracked some eggs in a well of flour to knead my dough and brought into an ugly ball. I didn’t need to work it much because the pasta machine does the kneading for you! My wrist looks morbidly obese

The more you roll it, the smoother it gets! And then you work it thinner and thinner until you can see light. Try doing that with your hands. Point for technology!

Then I brought out gadget #4, a ravioli press I got online for twelve bucks and change. The dimples actually hold a useful amount of filling

You lay the plastic nubby thing onto a pasta sheet which makes little wells in the metal rack part. You fill ‘em, top ‘em and roll ‘em out (I’m going to count rolling pin as a kitchen tool). Chef Boyardee would be proud

I had almost 6 dozen before I ran out of filling. Thanks, knife

I used the rest of the dough to make three double portions of pasta of varying widths and tossed it all in the freezer to be used at a later date. Total time used including prep and cleanup: an hour and a half. Had I used just my hands? Ha. Abondanza...

My hope is that this is more useful to someone stocking a kitchen than some celebrity chef saying, “Make sure you get a pair of hands in there!” As for Bill Buford, he could have saved himself weeks obsessing about la cucina autentica had he spoken to Miriam earlier. Her secret to great pasta? “What’s important is the eggs.” Amen.

This Is Why I'm (getting) Fat

Yes, I’ve even eaten Domino’s Three Cheese Mac-N-Cheese. I hate myself.

If mac & cheese is on a restaurant menu, I will order it. In my mind I rationalize eating such a rich and caloric dish as my duty in the never ending search for the platonic ideal of macaroni and cheese, but in truth I just like cheese and noodles in almost any form (as evinced by my previous post).

I enjoy my boxed Kraft almost as much as my own recipe, which until recently was béchamel sauce with tons of cheese and maybe a little roasted garlic and a pinch of dried mustard. It’s pretty good but the quality changes based on what cheese I have on hand and how much I decide to use. Sometimes I overheat the cheese or use too much of it which can make the proteins coagulate which results in a grainy sauce.

I always tell myself to keep track of my hits and misses so that I can get consistent results but it’s like, how consistent can a “cup of grated cheese” be from one time to the next? So recently I bought a kitchen scale and set about to make my cooking more uniform. It makes a big difference and it only cost $20. I highly suggest getting one.

Lynn Rossetto Casper: my new culinary muse, I guess

And then I heard mention of a mac & cheese recipe on “The Splendid Table” cooking show on public radio. When it comes to a dish as routine as this, I tend to pooh-pooh recipes so but the technique was different and the host spoke of it so glowingly. The recipe takes a custard approach to bind the pasta as opposed to the starch-driven béchamel style plus she uses cream cheese to help keep it smooth.

I was skeptical so I decided to make a version of each keeping all ingredients the same otherwise. In the béchamel version, I didn’t use cream cheese and instead added an equal amount of Monterey Jack.

Egg version on the left - can't you tell?

At a friend’s soiree, people said they enjoyed both equally, but the béchamel version went more quickly. The flavors were similar but I found the béchamel version to be gummy while with the other one the sharpness of the cheese was more prominent. I liked the custard version better. I don’t know why people finished off the other one first. Maybe it was in a prettier dish. More likely they were too drunk to care.

My friends are less discerning in party mode

I also like how the custard version holds its shape better. It makes for prettier serving. Lastly, this method is much less time intensive. You put everything in a blender, pour it over pasta, bake. Easy, peasy. My only problem was the amount of raw onion called for in the Splendid Table recipe made both versions overpoweringly oniony. Me not like.

So I set about to come up with a more definitive version that would allow for flexibility and not give you dragon breath. Here are the basic rules:

• For every half pound of dried pasta add use half a pound of sharp cheeses – a blend of aged cheddar, Asiago, gruyere, etc. Whatever floats your boat.
• For each half pound of dried pasta, use one cup of milk, one egg and four ounces of a creamy, smooth cheese, i.e. cream cheese, Fontina, or even Velveeta. I also add a little dried mustard, a bit of paprika and/or cayenne and a clove of raw or roasted garlic.
• If I’m feeling sassy, I’ll toss in a nugget of blue cheese for a little extra punch.
• Where the Splendid Table version uses 3/4 of a raw onion, I just use half and sauté it beforehand to get the stink out.
• Elbow macaroni works best. Its thinner skinned than the traditional pasta shapes which makes for a more tender bite. It’s more Amurican.

Cheese smoothie!

Blend everything together, mix it with cooked pasta in a casserole dish, then top it with more cheese and bread crumbs and bake until nicely crusted.

What could be better than this?

It’s the best mac & cheese I’ve made by far. I think the starch in the béchamel dampens the cheese flavor whereas this version heightens it. Or maybe it's good because I finally used a scale and got some consistency. Or maybe I’m talking out my butt and I owe my thanks to the cloying-voiced lady on public radio for providing such a good recipe. Ugh. No, it’s got to be the scale.

Please share your thoughts on the subject. I love discussing macaroni and cheese almost as much as I love eating it.

I Suck

Imagine a mushy, more orange version of this crammed into a styrofoam cup.
I went to a potluck party tonight and brought two pints of Kentucky Fried Chicken macaroni and cheese.

I have no excuse. I am a terrible, terrible person. I am ashamed.

That said, everyone ate it.

A (small) Pizza Revelation

My new friend

I had pizza with a friend at Terroni, a Toronto-based restaurant group with a location out here in West Hollywood. It’s a somewhat upscale Southern Italian joint that prides itself on authenticity as evidenced by the prominently stacked cans of Italian tomatoes and olive oil. They also adopt some snobby eccentricities; you can’t substitute ingredients on their pizzas (thin crust, of course) and they won’t slice it for you as that’s not how it’s done back in the Old Country.

iPhone wants a flash

Thus, the first thing I did when they brought the food was cut the pizza radially into six slices, immediately placing the meal firmly in the U.S.A. Not Sicily, not Abruzzo, not even Ontario – Amurka. It was a delicious, albeit salty, sausage and rapini pizza bianca. But what elevated the pizza to a new level was the ramekin of red peppers they brought us. As opposed the dried flaky business you get at most pizzerias, these were actual minced red chiles in a bit of oil. So in addition to adding heat, the condiment also provided sweetness, crunch and flavor.

Less than a buck’s worth of jalapenos

Why didn’t anybody do this before? I’m sure plenty of restaurants have, but it was a first for me, so when I got home, I took a bunch of red jalapenos, seeded them (they kept the seeds in at Terroni, but I wanted less heat. I like spicy but even just typing about it is making me sweat profusely. Fer reals), minced them and mixed them with a pinch of salt and some olive oil.

Wash hands thoroughly after mincing, especially before going to the bathroom

Super simple, super cheap, but with an air of exoticism. I keep my ramekin in the fridge and have since had it on pasta, bread and even on its own in petit, measured spoonfuls.