Everybody’s been talking about the new KFC Double Down, the sandwich that epitomizes American deep-fried decadence. In lieu of bread, the sandwich uses two pieces of battered or grilled chicken breasts to hold together two slices of bacon, two slices of cheese and a mayonnaise-based sauce. Stephen Colbert called the concoction, “The warped creation of a syphilitic brain,” but then one bite later said, “Call me crazy but this is good.” It’s been getting huge press and I’m sure sales among carnivorous stoners have been brisk but how obscene is it really?
Fast food tester: my dream job
Consumer Reports said it was salty and with 1380 mg of sodium (half of your recommended daily intake), it is. But surprisingly – for the fast food world – it’s not off-the-charts fattening. It has the same number of calories as a Big Mac (540) and about the same amount of fat (32 grams vs. the Big Mac’s 29). Leftover prop from a David Cronenberg film
There’s a worse culprit I learned of thanks to snippets.com. The Claim Jumper franchise, whose 45 restaurants are scattered throughout the West Coast and some of the Midwest, offers Beef Back Ribs on their menu that pack in a stunning 4,301 calories and 7,623 mg of sodium. That’s without sides. In-N-Out's chef d'oeuvre - 4x4 animal style (a mere 1,050 calories)
Even on the road trip where I ate an In-N-Out 4x4 and a Double Double (essentially 6 patties, 6 slices of cheese), I didn’t reach half the caloric value of those ribs. They must be awesome! (Yelp members have informed me that, in fact, they range from “good” and “better than average” to “underdone” and “dry…been on the desert floor for years”) This is more fattening than the 4x4
But there are other items on the Claim Jumper menu if ribs aren’t your jam. There are 19 items that contain over 2,000 calories and 57 that have over 1,000. Feeling peckish? Just have the blue cheese wedge salad and the seared ahi appetizer. That’s 1,114 calories in the salad plus 562 for the app. The tuna has more calories than a KFC Double Down. This + 400 calories = Claim Jumper appetizer
So the question is, would I go to the Claim Jumper? Would I have a Double Down? Nah. For me, there is no novelty in eating thousands of calories in one sitting. I do plenty of that at home.
Daniel Patterson puts his "tools" to work (with the help of an actual tool)
A few months ago I was listening to The Splendid Table, hosted by my new culinary nemesis, Lynn Rosetto Capser. Actually, the show is perfectly pleasant as is she, in a schweddy balls kind of way and they have some great guests. This episode was no exception as they had Daniel Patterson, whose Coi restaurant earned two Michelin stars. The show was fine until he was asked about his favorite kitchen tool. I listened eagerly while clutching my stack of Bed Bath & Beyond coupons. Would it be an ergonomic melon baller? Maybe a microplane ginger grater? A Kevlar butchering glove? Something Silpat? Nay. His answer? “My hands.” That’s like Usain Bolt explaining that the secret to his speed is, “My feet.” I would get this kitchen tool if the motor were faster
My least favorite kitchen tool? Daniel Patterson. What a bunch of hippie bullshit. If there is a device out there that saves time, money and improves technique, I wanna know about it. I already got hands, Chef Patterson. Thanks for nothing. Bill Buford demonstrates the suplex
It reminds me of that book, Heat, in which Bill Buford basically tries to get in a pissing match with Mario Batali as he learns more and more obscure Italian culinary skills. At one point, he wants to master pasta making to get that unique “wood on wood” texture that he insists can only be found in handmade pasta rolled by old Italian women. He eventually seeks out Miriam Leonardi, a culinary legend whose pasta he describes as, “life changing,” to coax her to reveal her centuries-old hand rolling technique. She says, “What in the world are you talking about?... No one does that sort of thing anymore. They’re too busy. Modern life. I use a machine.” My machine in action
The pasta machine fits perfectly into my personal criteria of a kitchen tool. It saves me the hundreds of hours I would have to spend learning the dead art of rolling pasta by hand. And it makes a uniform product every time. I got mine at Ross Dress for Less for less than $50 and didn’t use it for a year because it was so intimidating. But now I use it all the time. It’s a snap. Braun, despite rumors, was not involved in World War II
To test this “snappiness,” I made some ravioli. I pulverized some dried porcini mushrooms in my 400 watt Braun Impressions Multiquick Handblender using the handy-dandy blender attachment. Did I mention that its motor has a whopping 400 watts? Seriously, if you don’t have one, get one. The result of three seconds of 400 watt pulsing
Then I pulsed some crimini and fresh shitake mushrooms in the same blender and mixed my mycological mélange with some ricotta and parmesan cheeses along with salt, pepper and a scraping of nutmeg (using my box grater – awesome kitchen tool #3, bitches!).
I put that aside and cracked some eggs in a well of flour to knead my dough and brought into an ugly ball. I didn’t need to work it much because the pasta machine does the kneading for you! My wrist looks morbidly obese
The more you roll it, the smoother it gets! And then you work it thinner and thinner until you can see light. Try doing that with your hands. Point for technology!
Then I brought out gadget #4, a ravioli press I got online for twelve bucks and change. The dimples actually hold a useful amount of filling
You lay the plastic nubby thing onto a pasta sheet which makes little wells in the metal rack part. You fill ‘em, top ‘em and roll ‘em out (I’m going to count rolling pin as a kitchen tool). Chef Boyardee would be proud
I had almost 6 dozen before I ran out of filling. Thanks, knife
I used the rest of the dough to make three double portions of pasta of varying widths and tossed it all in the freezer to be used at a later date. Total time used including prep and cleanup: an hour and a half. Had I used just my hands? Ha. Abondanza...
My hope is that this is more useful to someone stocking a kitchen than some celebrity chef saying, “Make sure you get a pair of hands in there!” As for Bill Buford, he could have saved himself weeks obsessing about la cucina autentica had he spoken to Miriam earlier. Her secret to great pasta? “What’s important is the eggs.” Amen.
Yes, I’ve even eaten Domino’s Three Cheese Mac-N-Cheese. I hate myself.
If mac & cheese is on a restaurant menu, I will order it. In my mind I rationalize eating such a rich and caloric dish as my duty in the never ending search for the platonic ideal of macaroni and cheese, but in truth I just like cheese and noodles in almost any form (as evinced by my previous post).
I enjoy my boxed Kraft almost as much as my own recipe, which until recently was béchamel sauce with tons of cheese and maybe a little roasted garlic and a pinch of dried mustard. It’s pretty good but the quality changes based on what cheese I have on hand and how much I decide to use. Sometimes I overheat the cheese or use too much of it which can make the proteins coagulate which results in a grainy sauce.
I always tell myself to keep track of my hits and misses so that I can get consistent results but it’s like, how consistent can a “cup of grated cheese” be from one time to the next? So recently I bought a kitchen scale and set about to make my cooking more uniform. It makes a big difference and it only cost $20. I highly suggest getting one.
Lynn Rossetto Casper: my new culinary muse, I guess
And then I heard mention of a mac & cheese recipe on “The Splendid Table” cooking show on public radio. When it comes to a dish as routine as this, I tend to pooh-pooh recipes so but the technique was different and the host spoke of it so glowingly. The recipe takes a custard approach to bind the pasta as opposed to the starch-driven béchamel style plus she uses cream cheese to help keep it smooth.
I was skeptical so I decided to make a version of each keeping all ingredients the same otherwise. In the béchamel version, I didn’t use cream cheese and instead added an equal amount of Monterey Jack.
Egg version on the left - can't you tell?
At a friend’s soiree, people said they enjoyed both equally, but the béchamel version went more quickly. The flavors were similar but I found the béchamel version to be gummy while with the other one the sharpness of the cheese was more prominent. I liked the custard version better. I don’t know why people finished off the other one first. Maybe it was in a prettier dish. More likely they were too drunk to care.
My friends are less discerning in party mode
I also like how the custard version holds its shape better. It makes for prettier serving. Lastly, this method is much less time intensive. You put everything in a blender, pour it over pasta, bake. Easy, peasy. My only problem was the amount of raw onion called for in the Splendid Table recipe made both versions overpoweringly oniony. Me not like.
So I set about to come up with a more definitive version that would allow for flexibility and not give you dragon breath. Here are the basic rules:
For every half pound of dried pasta add use half a pound of sharp cheeses – a blend of aged cheddar, Asiago, gruyere, etc. Whatever floats your boat.
For each half pound of dried pasta, use one cup of milk, one egg and four ounces of a creamy, smooth cheese, i.e. cream cheese, Fontina, or even Velveeta. I also add a little dried mustard, a bit of paprika and/or cayenne and a clove of raw or roasted garlic.
If I’m feeling sassy, I’ll toss in a nugget of blue cheese for a little extra punch.
Where the Splendid Table version uses 3/4 of a raw onion, I just use half and sauté it beforehand to get the stink out.
Elbow macaroni works best. Its thinner skinned than the traditional pasta shapes which makes for a more tender bite. It’s more Amurican.
Cheese smoothie!
Blend everything together, mix it with cooked pasta in a casserole dish, then top it with more cheese and bread crumbs and bake until nicely crusted.
What could be better than this?
It’s the best mac & cheese I’ve made by far. I think the starch in the béchamel dampens the cheese flavor whereas this version heightens it. Or maybe it's good because I finally used a scale and got some consistency. Or maybe I’m talking out my butt and I owe my thanks to the cloying-voiced lady on public radio for providing such a good recipe. Ugh. No, it’s got to be the scale.
Please share your thoughts on the subject. I love discussing macaroni and cheese almost as much as I love eating it.
Imagine a mushy, more orange version of this crammed into a styrofoam cup. I went to a potluck party tonight and brought two pints of Kentucky Fried Chicken macaroni and cheese.
I have no excuse. I am a terrible, terrible person. I am ashamed.
I had pizza with a friend at Terroni, a Toronto-based restaurant group with a location out here in West Hollywood. It’s a somewhat upscale Southern Italian joint that prides itself on authenticity as evidenced by the prominently stacked cans of Italian tomatoes and olive oil. They also adopt some snobby eccentricities; you can’t substitute ingredients on their pizzas (thin crust, of course) and they won’t slice it for you as that’s not how it’s done back in the Old Country.
iPhone wants a flash
Thus, the first thing I did when they brought the food was cut the pizza radially into six slices, immediately placing the meal firmly in the U.S.A. Not Sicily, not Abruzzo, not even Ontario – Amurka. It was a delicious, albeit salty, sausage and rapini pizza bianca. But what elevated the pizza to a new level was the ramekin of red peppers they brought us. As opposed the dried flaky business you get at most pizzerias, these were actual minced red chiles in a bit of oil. So in addition to adding heat, the condiment also provided sweetness, crunch and flavor.
Less than a buck’s worth of jalapenos
Why didn’t anybody do this before? I’m sure plenty of restaurants have, but it was a first for me, so when I got home, I took a bunch of red jalapenos, seeded them (they kept the seeds in at Terroni, but I wanted less heat. I like spicy but even just typing about it is making me sweat profusely. Fer reals), minced them and mixed them with a pinch of salt and some olive oil.
Wash hands thoroughly after mincing, especially before going to the bathroom
Super simple, super cheap, but with an air of exoticism. I keep my ramekin in the fridge and have since had it on pasta, bread and even on its own in petit, measured spoonfuls.
As part of my procrastination routine today, I decided to make chicken pot pie for the first time. I had a chicken brining in the fridge that I smoked for a few hours until it was 30 seconds from fully cooked.
I boned the chicken into bite-sized strips and then sautéed some mire poix, mushrooms and frozen corn. I made a few cups of thick béchamel except I used one cup of milk to two cups of chicken stock and then mixed everything together in casserole dish.
There might be a bit of dried oregano and thyme, too.
Then I rolled out a cheddar-buttermilk biscuit crust on top. 30 minutes in a 350 degree oven and presto: chicken pot pie.
Cheese Biscuits!
1-1/2 cups flour
1/4 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 tablespoon sugar
1/2 stick of cold butter, chopped
1 cup of shredded sharp cheddar
3/4 cup of buttermilk
Mix all the dry ingredients thoroughly, add the butter and pinch it in the flour until it’s the consistency of a coarse meal. Mix in the grated cheese thoroughly then blend in the buttermilk and knead until it just forms a dough. Overkneading will make the biscuits tough. At this point you can make biscuits (baked in a 400 degree oven for 12-15 minutes) but here I rolled my dough out until it covered the casserole pan.
Delicious overkill
Maybe it’s overkill for a solo dinner, but it was rather tasty.
One of the three in this photo is not having a fun time (hint: it's the one without an Oscar)
There has been a considerable amount of research done about whether crustaceans feel pain or not. Is this actually under debate? When you stick a crab in a steam pot, I’m pretty sure the ensuing clanking is triggered by unmitigated agony and not because they’re dancing a jig. It’s one of the reasons I don’t like cooking crabs and lobsters; it’s never the yuk fest promised by Annie Hall.
I want the death of the animals I eat to be as swift and painless as possible and I have yet to find a way to provide that for crustaceans. Chefs suggest freezing them, putting them in fresh water (a slow death that takes over 12 hours) or putting a knife through their heads. The latter method seemed to make the most sense and a few months ago, I tried it.
This sure as hell don't look humane.
I was making grilled lobster with herb butter so we split the lobsters from head to tail. The results were not convincing, probably because the brain halves were still connected to the body halves so the lobsters continued to twitch and squirm as I slathered their insides with butter. At least the dinner guests enjoyed the meal.
Then I read about Simon Buckhaven, the Temple Grandin of shellfish. A few years ago, the English lawyer invented the horribly named, Crustastun, a metal bin that sends 110 volts through whatever you put into it – Dungeness crab, crayfish, spiny lobster, a large guinea pig – bringing about death within a couple seconds. Sounds great except the base model is the size of a Xerox machine and costs over $4,000.
It also plays a lilting lullaby right before they're zapped
Enter eBay, where you can get a pocket-sized rechargeable stun gun that delivers 2.7 million volts for under $20. So I did. This doesn’t mean that the stun gun has thousands of times the killing power of the Crustastun; stun guns only deliver milliamps where the Crustastun chamber hits its targets with 600 times the current (4-6 amps). My hope was that the delicate crustacean nervous system wouldn’t be able to tell the difference.
I decided to name her "Mercy"
The day the post office delivered my instrument of death, I hightailed it over to the crazy Chinese market where they had stone crabs for a few bucks a pound. I took a couple of them home and then thought, “Oh shit. What do I do with them until killing time?” It’s not like I have a saltwater holding tank next to the sink. So I tossed them in the fridge and walked away, rationalizing to myself that they were napping peacefully. Yay, death with dignity!
I highly recommend using rubber gloves.
When it came to cooking time, I made sure the steam pot was hot and ready to go should the crabs survive their tasing. I took them out of the fridge and zapped each of them for a few seconds. The animals barely reacted despite the arcing current and tiny wisps of acrid smoke. After that, they seemed thoroughly and completely dead. Rather than do an autopsy, I tossed them in the pot where they cooked away soundlessly. Mission accomplished.
Now that’s what I call a dead crab
I made my friend shell the carcasses while I rolled out pasta and I made a green curry-like sauce substituting cream for coconut milk and tossed it all together with some corn and cilantro.
My plating sucks
While stone crabs don’t yield as much meat as a Dungeness crab and they’re more of a pain to shell, they were nonetheless delicious and I didn’t have to shell squat (thanks, Steve).
Boiled down with shrimp shells to a paste for a future bisque
Obviously, there is nothing scientific about my method and maybe it didn't even work. Maybe the tasing put the crabs into a state of paralyzing agony. But it seemed more humane than any method I've tried in the past. And since lobsters die from electrocution even more quickly than crab, I can't see why it wouldn't work on them, too.
My only regret is that I didn’t tase the giant shrimp I also cooked. They didn’t die as instantaneously in a hot pan as I thought they would. But if it’s any consolation, they might have been the best peel and eat shrimp I’ve ever eaten – tossed in a hot wok with ground pasilla and chipotle powder, cumin, sliced red jalapeno and garlic and salt. Sweet, spicy, sucked the heads...amazing. Sorry, shrimpses.
Leftover prop from a David Cronenberg film 
In-N-Out's chef d'oeuvre - 4x4 animal style (a mere 1,050 calories)
This is more fattening than the 4x4
This + 400 calories = Claim Jumper appetizer
