Jonesing

Four days of veganism and things are going fine.  At the very least, wracking my brains for meal ideas has made me more conscious about what I eat.  I have to actually consider the entire contents of my fridge and think about what might sate me, whereas before I'd just grab the nearest block of cheese and build a meal around that because I knew that it would sate me.

I don't want to use fake cheese and meat products to fool myself that nothing's changed but I still have cravings for many of their taste constituencies, namely mouth feel and umami.  The two sort of go hand in hand in that glutamates stimulate our umami receptors which registers a savory, full taste in our brains.  These glutamates can be created when proteins break down through aging and fermentation.  Thus, aged cheeses, cured meats and fish sauce are excellent for satisfying umami cravings.

The Hunt
Since all three are off my current food list, I have to find my fix elsewhere.  Here's a fun source: Sauerkraut!  The basic idea is to take some shredded cabbage with some salt and put it in an oxygen-free environment for a few days so it can undergo lacto fermentation.  The preserving process makes it sour and umami-licious (a term that will henceforth never be used in this blog).

I actually have a big 8-gallon ceramic water-sealed fermenting pot which works great but it's hard for one person to eat gallons of sauerkraut.  I had this idea to use beer brewing air-locks with 1-quart Ball jars for smaller batches.  Sure enough, people on the web have already done this.  You can be up and running for under 20 bucks and it works like a charm - pickles, kraut, kimchi, etc.

This is the easiest way to get into DIY/homesteading/preserving.  Set it and forget it.  I highly recommend it.  My current favorite is sauerkraut with mustard seeds.

The Chinese Deliver
Asians know how to find their glutamates.  Fish sauce and dashi are classic sources as are many preserved soy products.  One of my favorites is preserved chili soy bean paste.  Small blocks are brined in glass jars.  It has the texture of smooth mascarpone but tastes like salty, aged gym socks.

But it's delicious on rice or added to a braise.  Today I had a sauteed vegetable and lentil wrap and where I would have put cheese and mayo, I put in a streak of bean paste on the tortilla and it was spectacular.  Suffice it to say, a little goes a long way.

Another product that I've been reading more and more about is mushroom powder.

It consists of mushroom extracts and salt and is used in place of MSG.  Mushrooms have a lot of glutamic acid so it's basically the same thing except it has a mushroomy flavor.  So while most vegetable stocks are pallid substitutes for chicken stock, vegetable stock with mushroom powder is a formidable player.  Soups, stews, popcorn, risotto, etc.

Only Temporary

Yes, it seems like vegan folly to compare salted cabbage to a slice of Parmesan Reggiano, but keep in mind, this is just a one-month experiment to broaden my palate.  Not shut off parts completely.  Look out, Prosciutto di Parma.  I'll be back.

A Philosophical Question

Is a pizza without cheese still a pizza?

A Month of Gustatory Austerity - Not an April Fool's Joke

A year and a half ago, or so, I made an informal pledge to not bring non-aquatic meat in my house.  It was not an easy choice as I love to eat and cook meat, but the reasons were too overwhelming: ecological, dietary, ethical, food costs, pigs are cute, etc.  But I'm also a hypocrite, since I will eat meat at restaurants or friends' houses.

Initially, I felt healthier and smugger as I lost a bit of weight.  But that trend sort of plateaued and reversed itself as I made excuses to eat out at pork dumpling restaurants and taquerias and developed a habit of adding molten chunks of cheese to everything I cook.  Combine that with a steady stream of booze and an aging metabolism and suddenly I'm back up to here:

This puts my Body Mass Index (BMI) at 27.2, i.e., "overweight."  In order to be of "normal weight," I should be around 15 pounds lighter, according to the National Institutes of Health.

The problem is that I don't really think about what I put in my mouth.  When I make a meal, I instinctively go for hearty things like pastas and stews and greasy fried things accompanied by fistfuls of cheese and glasses of wine.  Salads never even cross my mind.

I need to break the habit.

According to self-help lore, habits can be broken in around 30 days, so that's what I'm going to try: train my body to crave healthier foods.  Here are the rules:

• this applies only for the month of April
• a completely vegan diet
• nothing deep fried
• no added sugar
• no booze
• no sugar substitutes (I'm talking to you, Crystal Light)
• no meat analogs (texurized vegetable protein, faux ground meats, etc.)
• no fake cheese (easily done since they all suck)
• no fast food, vegan or not

I'm not expecting miracles, but we'll see what happens.  This past weekend, I tried to prime my body to make it ready for a healthy change.  This process consisted of eating four pizzas, cooking a fantastic grass-fed filet mignon that had been sitting in my freezer for two years (and thus grandfathered past my no-meat pledge) and downing a few bottles of wine.  My liver wasn't happy, but the rest of me enjoyed it.

Next, I'll talk cooking strategies.

What I Learned over Winter Break

Okay, it's been more than awhile since I posted, but it's not like anybody reads this.  Also, this post will be uncharacteristically devoid of photography as the meal to which it refers was too stupendous to waste time with snapping photos.

At a party this past fall, a friend - let's call him Bill as that's his name - and I were discussing our mutual love of raw oysters.  In a boozy, gregarious mood, I proposed that we have a night where we buy a few dozen oysters from the farmer's market and share them with a couple friends.  At the next get together a month later, I said, "We still have to do that oyster night," and offered to steam a couple crabs and make clam chowder.  Bill offered to make scampi.

At the next shindig, Michael and Cristina were included in the oyster-fest equation which now had a date, January 6.  They are germane to the discussion because they are restauranteurs - like badass restauranteurs.  They offered to buy the seafood for Crustacean Celebration (CC) through their wholesaler.  Seemed sensible until I called Michael to place the order, which went a little something like this:

Me: So, I was going to make clam chowder, steam some Dungeness crab and Bill's making scampi.

Michael: O.K.  So how about 15 pounds of cherrystone clams, 10 pounds of U12 shrimp, I'll bring some littlenecks to eat raw...how many crabs?  Eight?

Me: ...um...that seems like a lot of...

Michael: Fine, five pounds of shrimp.  Six crabs.

Me: ...Sure?

Michael: I'll bring over scallops, too.

Me: And I'll go to the Hollywood farmers' market to get the oysters.

Michael: O.K.  So I'll just bring over six dozen Kumamotos.

Me: There are only going to be 12 of us.

Michael: Look, Marty: You can eat a dozen oysters in your sleep.  Whatever we shuck will get eaten.  Trust me.

Lesson One: Trust the Master.
It was a little intimidating cooking clam chowder for the first time for a chef about to open his second restaurant, a high-end seafood shack serving three types of chowder, but I had committed to the dish before I knew that.  When I went to pick up the seafood from the restaurant the day before CC, Michael gave me the two-minute rundown:

• Put the clams in the freezer for an hour to kill them to make them easier to open
• Save the clam juice and store the shucked meat in the fridge
• Make the soup the night before so the flavor penetrates the (Idaho) potatoes
• Use bottled clam juice if you want - it's a good product
• Serve heavy cream (reduced by half) on the side so people can have creamy chowder if they want
• Just before service, chop the raw clams into the reheated soup so they don't get overcooked
• Don't add flour, the starch from the potatoes will thicken the soup

This technique is fantastic and works with about any recipe.  The fresh brininess of the clams shines through and even with cream, the soup stays light.  The only difference was I had already bought Yukon Golds as per the Bon Appetit recipe I was using, but taters are taters, right?

Lesson Two: Knife Skills
Apparently, it's not enough to stick a clam in the freezer for an hour to kill it.  Cherrystone clams are resilient creatures.  Even though they had reached 26 degrees, they still hadn't died.  They needed to freeze and thus refused to succumb to my pryings.  That I was using a butter knife might also have been a problem.  Thankfully, Bill and his wife brought a clam shucking knife which saved the chowder.

But I did feel like a badass with my bona fide oyster shucking knife.  You just pop the tip into the hinge of the shell, lean into it and pray it doesn't slip and sever an artery, which is why they make them dull.  Michael brought his own shucker, which was sharp enough to cut paper.  He was popping open oysters like a Frat brother opens beer cans.  It was a frightening blade, but really it makes sense since it gets into the gap so much more efficiently.  Just like with regular cutting, a sharper, more effective knife will reduce the incidence of injury.

Michael and I both brought mignonette sauce and I was humbled once more.  His shallots were chopped in perfect 1 mm x 1 mm squares while mine - which I had been proud of - looked they had been savaged by a cross-eyed psychopath.  The divide between the professional from the enthusiast is vast.

Lesson Three: Trade Secrets
Despite feeling hopelessly incompetent, I was still eager to learn:

A shrimp boil is a misnomer.  I tossed the giant shrimp into hot broth and turned off the heat.  They will cook at 140 degrees or so.  I sort of forgot about them but when I served them fifteen minutes later, they were perfectly cooked, moist and firm.

It was fine to store the crabs in the cooler overnight covered with wet newspaper and a couple ice cubes.  36 hours later, they were alive, albeit slow.

After you shuck an oyster, flip it with a cleaned knife so that the belly is on top.  It's purtier that way.

Fresh is better (duh). Michael brought these scallops attached to their shell that were so fresh, when you flicked them, the muscle contracted.  He painted them lightly with butter then grilled them face down.  He then flipped them finishing them with a bit of butter, lemon and pimenton.  The best scallop I've ever eaten.

A New Annual Tradition
Under the guidance of a master, CC was a massive success.  Everything was delicious and all the oysters were, indeed, consumed. Cristina suggested we do this every year and even proposed a springtime Fin Festival (FF) where we charter a fishing boat and only cook what fish we caught that day.  We shall see how that works out for a motion sickness-prone land lubber like me.

During post-feast poker, the one thing I lamented was that the chowder was on the thin side to which Michael responded, "I told you to use Idaho potatoes.  You should have listened to me."

Plasma Mary

Yeah, it's been awhile. But there you are.

I had a modest harvest of tomatoes this year, which for a single person is a cornucopia. With some of my extra pineapple tomatoes (sweet and flavorful with good acidity), I made a tomato water. I blended them, squeezed the juice through cheesecloth and then skimmed off the clear part after it settled in the fridge.

Then I added horseradish, Tabasco, Worcestershire and salt along with some ice and Sapphire gin. Stirred and strained and voila! A new style of bloody mary that is super-tomato-y but is super clean and light tasting. Quite spectacular.

Anyone have ideas how to make it even clearer?

I supposed if I were to do it right, I should coat the glass rim with celery salt. Next time.

The Next Big Thing (to bitch about)

Because the world needs another Korean taco truck

It’s always fun to rant about the latest food crazes. A decade ago there was welcome backlash against stuffed crust pizza, Asian fusion and the Atkins diet. Today journalist, Jacquelynn D. Powers, railed against the newest trends and she makes some good points:

• Food trucks – Here’s she’s spot on. A truck is an easy way to break into the food service business and it’s supposed to be cheap for us gourmands. But when you’ve got places like the Border Grill truck selling tacos for three bucks a pop and Mandoline Grill selling six dollar banh mi, I’m out. I can go down the street and get better tacos and banh mi for $1.25 and $3.55, respectively. Plus I can sit down at a table like a dignified human being and have access to indoor plumbing.
• Bacon – Do I want bacon ice cream or bacon martinis? Not really. Would I be happy eating bacon every day? Absolutely.
• Truffle oil – I love truffle oil. It’s such a distinctive and earthy flavor that can add amazing dimension to dishes. But chefs these days go way overboard, sprinkling it on fries and mac & cheese, just to inject some exoticism. Lazy. Ironically, almost all truffle oils are made synthetically.
• Cupcakes – I don’t know what the big deal here is. Cupcakes are tasty and easy to serve.  Just don't give me one with bacon in it.
• Farm to table backlash – Powers seems to be upset that restaurants are co-opting the phrase without delivering the goods. I don’t know if this so much a food trend as everyday food marketing strategy. Just like food labeled “all-natural” doesn’t mean anything, “sustainable” and “farm-to-table” doesn’t mean anything.
• Sliders – I’m indifferent about tiny burgers. If it means I can have more variety on the plate and they’re made well, then sure. Why not?

A real food truck

But while it’s easy to bash culinary fads, they exist for a reason. I have fond memories of eating tacos in the wee hours on the streets of Highland Park. I made a lackluster squash soup that came to life when I drizzled in a bit of truffle oil. Good food is good food.


The "It" chef

I’m sure it’s only a matter of days before we see David Chang-inspired food on every menu. I’m sure it’ll become tiresome, but that won’t change the fact that David Chang is an awesome, innovative chef.  But I am curious: What current eating trends do you find especially annoying?

Food Nerdism on the Cheap

Dave Arnold and Nils Norén teach cooking and food science at the French Culinary Institute and are uber-nerds. Though they bristle at the term “molecular gastronomy” – Arnold said in an interview, “Either every [chef] is manipulating molecules or no one is.” – it’s the easiest way to classify their work.

Arnold earned a degree in philosophy from Yale and Masters from Columbia but chose instead to geek out with old lab equipment he bought on eBay doing things like distilling individual flavors from complex ingredients like celery, basil or chocolate, slow poaching meats in tepid water baths for hours at a time or making ice cream from liquid nitrogen. In 2005, he was hired as the director of culinary technology at the FCI to essentially codify the avant-garde ciusine pioneered by chefs like Ferran Adrià, José Andrés and Wylie Dufresne. A year later, Swedish chef, Nils Norén was hired on as
Vice President of Culinary and Pastry Arts.


Jimmy Fallon - less annoying than I thought he'd be

They were on the TV a few nights ago. Watch the video and you’ll see why their stuff is so cool – they make food fanciful without being too fancy. The problem is that the equipment they use is prohibitively expensive for the home cook. For instance, a sous-vide set-up – an immersion circulator that heats water at ultra precise temperatures for cooking food in plastic bags – would cost at least a grand. There is a home machine on the market but it’s still five hundred bucks and would eat up a third of my counter space.

The SousVide Supreme

But I was intrigued by the quick pickling rig they had where they made instant martini cucumbers. The basic concept is you take a vegetable that has a lot of air packed in its cells and subject it to a vacuum while in a flavored solution, i.e., gin and vermouth. Within seconds, the air comes out and when depressurized, gets replaced by the flavor bath – instant pickle.
On sale for $1,099 at Cabela's

I spent a couple hours looking at equipment online and the good vacuum sealers and chambers all start at $1,200 and are huge. The only other option was using a marinating attachment with one of those food bagging things, but it’s not nearly as good and it still costs a lot and takes up valuable space.


Luckily, I stumbled upon a YouTube video where Dave Arnold shows a down and dirty method for doing the same thing with a syringe. I just happened to have a 60ml syringe around (don’t ask) and decided to try it out.

Make sure no air bubbles are in the syringe
I started with a very dirty martini. I figured the olive brine would add some needed salt. I put it in the syringe body with a couple slices of Persian cucumber and, with my thumb on the squirty part, I pulled out the plunger (keeping it pointed down so the cukes stay in the martini liquid).

Keep it pointed down

You can see the air bubbles expanding out of the slices; it just takes a few seconds. Sure enough, the final result tastes like a dirty martini and has almost all of the crispness of a fresh sliced cucumber.

Before and after

I tried the same with just a straight vinegar brine and it made a tasty pickle. Eating Granny Smith slices pickled in a cinnamon-sugar-lemon liquid was like eating a crispy slice of apple pie. I imagine that you could do it with any fruit or vegetable that can be eaten raw and floats (i.e., contains air). Watermelon rind, zucchini, carrots, onions, jicama, etc.

It doesn't actually shrink that much. The slice on the left is just bigger.

Obviously the downside is that you can only do a few slices at a time and they have to be small enough to fit in the syringe. More importantly, what would you use this for? I dunno. Culinary curiosity? Garnish for a dish? When you’re short on time and need a couple tiny pickles? Maybe a tray of cocktailed pickles? Imagine infusing fruits and vegetables with gimlets, martinis, whiskey sours, etc. Kinda sexy.

I’ll admit that a lot of the stuff Arnold and Norén do, like enzymatically peeling a grapefruit, seems like overkill, but it is all done in pursuit of creating delicious things in a creative way, which is the goal of any chef. I bow to them. Check out their awesome blog.

Seminal Dry Salsa

So congratulations to Nina Garcia, owner of Nina’s Food, the roach coach that won this year’s L.A. Vendy Awards. What was critical to her unanimous approval, according to judge Evan Kleiman, was her dry salsa. Tasting Table was gracious enough to disseminate her recipe for said seed salsa.
The initial chiles (arbol)
Essentially what you do is fry some dried chiles in peanut oil, take the chiles out, toast a bunch of nuts and seeds in the pan, add back the now crushed chiles with some salt, and voila! Seed salsa.
The crushed peanuts and raw pumpkin, sunflower and sesame seeds
In my case, I didn’t have time to hunt down black sesame seeds (which taste essentially the same as white sesame seeds) but then felt the urge to add in some sunflower seeds, which seemed like they’d add a lot more variation in flavor than black sesame seeds.
The finished toasty product
Mine turned out great, if I say so myself. I had scoops of it on quesadillas, on its own, on grilled fish, etc. It’s wildly versatile and it shore looks purty on a plate.
How to make a pedestrian quesadilla…less pedestrian.
Like mole (which is also heavily seed/nut influenced), you could add any variety of nuts, seeds, herbs or dry chiles to accent your dry salsa. Why not cumin? Maybe epazote. Cashews. Toss in a crushed chipotle chile. Raisins. My point is it’s a very forgiving recipe and I’m sure that Ms. Garcia has her own secret touches she didn’t let the Tasting Table in on. Heck, I even added a squeeze of lemon to my concoction for a little acidic kick. I also added more seed and nut to dampen the heat. My arbols were hotter than I anticipated. Ha. “That’s what she said.”

MFC

Today KFC announced that it would be extending selling its deep-fried meatfest, the Double Down, “for as long as customer demand remains high.” They expect to sell their 10 millionth breadless sandwich by the end of the month. I actually have no opinion about this; I am neither disgusted nor am I more curious about trying one.

It’s really not that surprising that something that combines cheese, bacon, mayonnaise and breaded goodness into one handy package would become a success. It’s basically a fistful of comfort food. I thought I’d try my own version without resorting to an obvious (and admittedly tasty) crutch as bacon. My version takes a much more subtle tack by substituting a thick slab of macaroni and cheese.

In prep, I made a pan of the custard-based mac and cheese I blogged about before. One advantage of this style versus the béchamel style is that it holds its shape when jammed in between two pieces of fried chicken.

I used the hand blender to make some mayonnaise (egg yolk, vinegar, salt, pepper, mustard powder – pour in canola oil while blending until it looks like Hellman’s) and then blended in some red pepper topping and a few dashes of chipotle powder. It’s really, really tasty.
Possibly the best part of the sandwich

Lastly, I pounded some (free-range organic) chicken thighs until they were flattish in between plastic wrap. I prefer thighs because they are more flavorful and juicy.
Poultry abuse therapy

Come fry time, I seasoned the thighs first with my version of 11 (more like 6) herbs and spices and then dipped them in buttermilk before dredging them in lightly salted flour and baking powder (1 tsp/cup of flour).

Then I just fried them in an inch of peanut oil, turning them a couple of times until they looked like…well, like something from KFC. Then I drained them and sprinkled on a bit of extra seasoning.
What isn't good deep-fried?

Assembly is pretty obvious. I suppose I could have added a couple slices of bacon and cheese, but I felt that would have pushed my “sandwich” from somewhat outrageous to wanton gluttony. Instead I added a side of collard greens to give the illusion of a balanced meal and to add some Southern cred.
Not easy to eat in the car.  Oh well.

So how’d I do? What would you like to see sandwiched between two breasts? I have some ideas, myself. It’s impossible to write about the Double Down without resorting to such obvious jokes so I will not apologize.  But seriously, if there's anything you want me to make, deep-fried or not, lemme know.

It Is Your Fault

A fellow culinary adventurer, Dan, and I frequently head to the San Gabriel Valley for Chinese food. But it’s almost impossible to have an entire meal without encountering cilantro, which Dan cannot tolerate in any capacity. Even when we ask for its omission in dishes, about half of the time, it manages to appear on our plates. Dan cannot even stand to have cilantro-laced dishes near him at the table, his revulsion is so great. I understand. As a child, I thought that cilantro was the plant from where Ajax cleanser was derived. It wasn’t until I was an adult that I began to appreciate its herbaceous glory.

I suspect this has been Photoshopped
Yesterday, Harold McGee explored the biochemical explanations of why people hate Coriandrum sativum to the level that has inspired websites like bancilantro.com and Facebook groups like “I Hate Cilantro.”

Dan believes his intolerance is due to a genetic predisposition, which seems to fit with most people’s love-it-or-hate-it attitude towards cilantro, but McGee says that there isn’t a wealth of data yet that support this claim. He goes on to explain how the herb's soapy aroma could trigger a brain response that perceives it as a threat. “We react strongly and throw the offending ingredient on the floor where it belongs.”

Researcher Jay Gottfried on a cilantro high
He cites the work of Jay Gottfried, a Northwestern University smell-ologist and ex-cilantro hater. Through frequent exposure with good food, he found, “I began to like cilantro. It can still remind me of soap, but it’s not threatening anymore…”
Get excited, Dan!
So, despite the article’s headline, it is your fault, Dan. You need to expose yourself to more and more cilantro until you love it. Jeffrey Steingarten did that with all the foods he disliked to become a food writer. Initially, I couldn’t stand beer, but after repeated and multiple exposures, I developed a grudging tolerance for the sudsy stuff. To this day, I regularly ingest pints of ale and lager, stout and pilsner, hoping to my tolerance will evolve into love. So, Dan: if I continue to work on my beer issues, will you work on your cilantro issues?

U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

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Everybody’s been talking about the new KFC Double Down, the sandwich that epitomizes American deep-fried decadence. In lieu of bread, the sandwich uses two pieces of battered or grilled chicken breasts to hold together two slices of bacon, two slices of cheese and a mayonnaise-based sauce. Stephen Colbert called the concoction, “The warped creation of a syphilitic brain,” but then one bite later said, “Call me crazy but this is good.” It’s been getting huge press and I’m sure sales among carnivorous stoners have been brisk but how obscene is it really?

Fast food tester: my dream job
Consumer Reports said it was salty and with 1380 mg of sodium (half of your recommended daily intake), it is. But surprisingly – for the fast food world – it’s not off-the-charts fattening. It has the same number of calories as a Big Mac (540) and about the same amount of fat (32 grams vs. the Big Mac’s 29).
Leftover prop from a David Cronenberg film 
There’s a worse culprit I learned of thanks to snippets.com. The Claim Jumper franchise, whose 45 restaurants are scattered throughout the West Coast and some of the Midwest, offers Beef Back Ribs on their menu that pack in a stunning 4,301 calories and 7,623 mg of sodium. That’s without sides.
In-N-Out's chef d'oeuvre - 4x4 animal style (a mere 1,050 calories)
Even on the road trip where I ate an In-N-Out 4x4 and a Double Double (essentially 6 patties, 6 slices of cheese), I didn’t reach half the caloric value of those ribs. They must be awesome! (Yelp members have informed me that, in fact, they range from “good” and “better than average” to “underdone” and “dry…been on the desert floor for years”)
This is more fattening than the 4x4
But there are other items on the Claim Jumper menu if ribs aren’t your jam. There are 19 items that contain over 2,000 calories and 57 that have over 1,000. Feeling peckish? Just have the blue cheese wedge salad and the seared ahi appetizer. That’s 1,114 calories in the salad plus 562 for the app. The tuna has more calories than a KFC Double Down.
This + 400 calories = Claim Jumper appetizer
So the question is, would I go to the Claim Jumper? Would I have a Double Down? Nah. For me, there is no novelty in eating thousands of calories in one sitting. I do plenty of that at home.

Kitchen Tools

Daniel Patterson puts his "tools" to work (with the help of an actual tool)

A few months ago I was listening to The Splendid Table, hosted by my new culinary nemesis, Lynn Rosetto Capser. Actually, the show is perfectly pleasant as is she, in a schweddy balls kind of way and they have some great guests. This episode was no exception as they had Daniel Patterson, whose Coi restaurant earned two Michelin stars. The show was fine until he was asked about his favorite kitchen tool. I listened eagerly while clutching my stack of Bed Bath & Beyond coupons. Would it be an ergonomic melon baller? Maybe a microplane ginger grater? A Kevlar butchering glove? Something Silpat? Nay. His answer? “My hands.” That’s like Usain Bolt explaining that the secret to his speed is, “My feet.” I would get this kitchen tool if the motor were faster

My least favorite kitchen tool? Daniel Patterson. What a bunch of hippie bullshit. If there is a device out there that saves time, money and improves technique, I wanna know about it. I already got hands, Chef Patterson. Thanks for nothing. Bill Buford demonstrates the suplex

It reminds me of that book, Heat, in which Bill Buford basically tries to get in a pissing match with Mario Batali as he learns more and more obscure Italian culinary skills. At one point, he wants to master pasta making to get that unique “wood on wood” texture that he insists can only be found in handmade pasta rolled by old Italian women. He eventually seeks out Miriam Leonardi, a culinary legend whose pasta he describes as, “life changing,” to coax her to reveal her centuries-old hand rolling technique. She says, “What in the world are you talking about?... No one does that sort of thing anymore. They’re too busy. Modern life. I use a machine.” My machine in action

The pasta machine fits perfectly into my personal criteria of a kitchen tool. It saves me the hundreds of hours I would have to spend learning the dead art of rolling pasta by hand. And it makes a uniform product every time. I got mine at Ross Dress for Less for less than $50 and didn’t use it for a year because it was so intimidating. But now I use it all the time. It’s a snap. Braun, despite rumors, was not involved in World War II

To test this “snappiness,” I made some ravioli. I pulverized some dried porcini mushrooms in my 400 watt Braun Impressions Multiquick Handblender using the handy-dandy blender attachment. Did I mention that its motor has a whopping 400 watts? Seriously, if you don’t have one, get one. The result of three seconds of 400 watt pulsing

Then I pulsed some crimini and fresh shitake mushrooms in the same blender and mixed my mycological mélange with some ricotta and parmesan cheeses along with salt, pepper and a scraping of nutmeg (using my box grater – awesome kitchen tool #3, bitches!).

I put that aside and cracked some eggs in a well of flour to knead my dough and brought into an ugly ball. I didn’t need to work it much because the pasta machine does the kneading for you! My wrist looks morbidly obese

The more you roll it, the smoother it gets! And then you work it thinner and thinner until you can see light. Try doing that with your hands. Point for technology!

Then I brought out gadget #4, a ravioli press I got online for twelve bucks and change. The dimples actually hold a useful amount of filling

You lay the plastic nubby thing onto a pasta sheet which makes little wells in the metal rack part. You fill ‘em, top ‘em and roll ‘em out (I’m going to count rolling pin as a kitchen tool). Chef Boyardee would be proud

I had almost 6 dozen before I ran out of filling. Thanks, knife

I used the rest of the dough to make three double portions of pasta of varying widths and tossed it all in the freezer to be used at a later date. Total time used including prep and cleanup: an hour and a half. Had I used just my hands? Ha. Abondanza...

My hope is that this is more useful to someone stocking a kitchen than some celebrity chef saying, “Make sure you get a pair of hands in there!” As for Bill Buford, he could have saved himself weeks obsessing about la cucina autentica had he spoken to Miriam earlier. Her secret to great pasta? “What’s important is the eggs.” Amen.

This Is Why I'm (getting) Fat

Yes, I’ve even eaten Domino’s Three Cheese Mac-N-Cheese. I hate myself.

If mac & cheese is on a restaurant menu, I will order it. In my mind I rationalize eating such a rich and caloric dish as my duty in the never ending search for the platonic ideal of macaroni and cheese, but in truth I just like cheese and noodles in almost any form (as evinced by my previous post).

I enjoy my boxed Kraft almost as much as my own recipe, which until recently was béchamel sauce with tons of cheese and maybe a little roasted garlic and a pinch of dried mustard. It’s pretty good but the quality changes based on what cheese I have on hand and how much I decide to use. Sometimes I overheat the cheese or use too much of it which can make the proteins coagulate which results in a grainy sauce.

I always tell myself to keep track of my hits and misses so that I can get consistent results but it’s like, how consistent can a “cup of grated cheese” be from one time to the next? So recently I bought a kitchen scale and set about to make my cooking more uniform. It makes a big difference and it only cost $20. I highly suggest getting one.

Lynn Rossetto Casper: my new culinary muse, I guess

And then I heard mention of a mac & cheese recipe on “The Splendid Table” cooking show on public radio. When it comes to a dish as routine as this, I tend to pooh-pooh recipes so but the technique was different and the host spoke of it so glowingly. The recipe takes a custard approach to bind the pasta as opposed to the starch-driven béchamel style plus she uses cream cheese to help keep it smooth.

I was skeptical so I decided to make a version of each keeping all ingredients the same otherwise. In the béchamel version, I didn’t use cream cheese and instead added an equal amount of Monterey Jack.

Egg version on the left - can't you tell?

At a friend’s soiree, people said they enjoyed both equally, but the béchamel version went more quickly. The flavors were similar but I found the béchamel version to be gummy while with the other one the sharpness of the cheese was more prominent. I liked the custard version better. I don’t know why people finished off the other one first. Maybe it was in a prettier dish. More likely they were too drunk to care.

My friends are less discerning in party mode

I also like how the custard version holds its shape better. It makes for prettier serving. Lastly, this method is much less time intensive. You put everything in a blender, pour it over pasta, bake. Easy, peasy. My only problem was the amount of raw onion called for in the Splendid Table recipe made both versions overpoweringly oniony. Me not like.

So I set about to come up with a more definitive version that would allow for flexibility and not give you dragon breath. Here are the basic rules:

• For every half pound of dried pasta add use half a pound of sharp cheeses – a blend of aged cheddar, Asiago, gruyere, etc. Whatever floats your boat.
• For each half pound of dried pasta, use one cup of milk, one egg and four ounces of a creamy, smooth cheese, i.e. cream cheese, Fontina, or even Velveeta. I also add a little dried mustard, a bit of paprika and/or cayenne and a clove of raw or roasted garlic.
• If I’m feeling sassy, I’ll toss in a nugget of blue cheese for a little extra punch.
• Where the Splendid Table version uses 3/4 of a raw onion, I just use half and sauté it beforehand to get the stink out.
• Elbow macaroni works best. Its thinner skinned than the traditional pasta shapes which makes for a more tender bite. It’s more Amurican.

Cheese smoothie!

Blend everything together, mix it with cooked pasta in a casserole dish, then top it with more cheese and bread crumbs and bake until nicely crusted.

What could be better than this?

It’s the best mac & cheese I’ve made by far. I think the starch in the béchamel dampens the cheese flavor whereas this version heightens it. Or maybe it's good because I finally used a scale and got some consistency. Or maybe I’m talking out my butt and I owe my thanks to the cloying-voiced lady on public radio for providing such a good recipe. Ugh. No, it’s got to be the scale.

Please share your thoughts on the subject. I love discussing macaroni and cheese almost as much as I love eating it.