Mac & Cheese(ish)

One of the first things I learned how to cook was Kraft™ Macaroni & Cheese. As an adolescent, I would make a box of it after school and eat it straight out of the pot with a wooden spoon while watching “Dick Van Dyke Show” reruns. Even though the cheese powder is a bright orange that doesn’t occur in nature, I still hold a special place in my heart for this American staple.

Since then, I’ve graduated to real macaroni and cheese – pasta with béchamel sauce blended with a mix of sharp and mild cheddar, a healthy dose of blue cheese and a teaspoon of mustard powder. But I would argue that the foodstuff that comes in the blue and white box is not macaroni and cheese but rather, Kraft™ Macaroni & Cheese. To compare the two is like comparing apples and Apple Jacks – they’re completely different entities. Apples only served as an inspiration for Apple Jacks. And I should also mention that no other packaged mac and cheese comes close to Kraft’s. I’ve had everything from Velveeta to Trader Joe’s to Kroger’s but none of them can match the sweetish/processed cheese taste of the sauce or the slippery, almost mushy, texture of the pasta.

Still, I restrict my consumption of Kraft Mac & Cheese mostly to hangovers and sickness. I don’t need the MSG (though I ain’t agin it) and all that orange food coloring can’t be good for you. Plus, it’s kinda pricey. I was at the market a while ago and it was on sale: 3 boxes for 4 dollars. I thought, “Damn! I remember when it was 3 for a dollar!” A split second later, I realized that I’m an old man. All I needed to complete the picture was a cane that I could shake in my clenched fist. “Why in my day…”

But this past Sunday I was at Target in the bargain bulk section (I didn’t know that was a section either) and they had various Kraft products on sale – 4 packs for $2.39. In fact, Kraft offers 33 different Macaroni & Cheese products, everything from Easy Mac to Bistro Deluxe Creamy Portobello Mushroom Mac & Cheese. That day Target had three different offerings – Thick & Creamy, Spirals & Cheese and Whole Grain. I figured that for $.60 a box, I could relive my youth. How could I not buy it? But the Thick & Creamy sounded disgusting and the Spirals & Cheese had half an ounce less pasta than the other boxes so I was forced to go with the Whole Grain. Plus, because it’s made with 50% whole grain (shouldn’t they call it Half Grain?), it’s healthy, right? I get 5 grams of fiber per serving, gosh darn it! Never mind the 590mg of salt and all that sodium tripolyphosphate.

Long story short, in the past three days I’ve eaten three boxes of Whole Grain Macaroni & Cheese (think of all that fiber!). It’s almost indistinguishable from the regular stuff - the pasta’s slightly grainier - and the bright orange sauce hasn’t changed a bit. Of course, everybody augments their mac and cheese a bit – a few dashes of Tabasco, bread crumbs, a can of tuna, etc. Me, I toss in a handful of whatever cheese is at hand. Today it was a little mozzarella and some asiago.

Good And here’s my big secret: a giant blop of salsa on the side. I take a bit of cold salsa and hot pasta in every bite. It may sound gross but it’s actually totally boss. A mix of temperatures, textures and flavors (see McDLT). Still sounds gross? Try it on New Year’s Day or some other post-drinking morning. I guarantee it will taste like manna from heaven. Especially with a leftover beer. Better